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over 40

birthday girl

motherhoodcourtnee2 Comments

a letter to my 13 yr old self on the occasion of turning 43.

happy birthday! today you are 43! i know. there was a time when you thought anyone over 30 was ancient but the older you get, the more fluid the old lady rubric appears to be..

i decided to talk to you, my precious 13 year old self, because this is the last age where you are the true you, in all of your awkward glory. sometime in the next year you will retreat to that place where teenage girls hide their light and become self conscious/hyper critical versions of the person they used to be. 

not gonna lie, those years are TOUGH! you spend a lot of time hating yourself and feeling unworthy of anything. this means many of your choices will be driven by fear. the fear of success,the fear of failure, the fear of being loved, the fear of being authentic. 

you will experience heartbreak and loss so profound that it causes you physical pain. you won't think recovering is possible. you'll doubt your ability to raise your kids as a single mom(spoiler alert: they are AMAZING!) you'll struggle with figuring what you want to do with rest of your life(spoiler alert: it's still a work in progress!) there are times when you remain wholly convinced that you will grow old alone(you don't!)  and even with grief, loss, heartache and more bad decisions than i care to remember, you'll come to this point with very few real regrets.

 because all of those missteps and questionable choices have created the person, the woman you are right now. you aren't the perfect friend, daughter, wife or mother but you do your best to be what they need. you are the person that offers clarity and insight. you are the person that can crack the right joke at the perfect to put everyone at ease. you aren't an artist but you recognize and appreciate artistry and beauty. you learn to love deeply and unconditionally. you see the best in others even when you struggle to see it in yourself. the place you will find yourself, the life you create for yourself is even better than your dream because it is real. it is tangible.

so, don't give up hope girl! life will reveal itself to be a weird, painful, f**ked up, amazing gift! and when you blow your candles out today the thing you will wish for is exactly what you have- family, friends, the love of your life and a pretty badass shoe collection;)